Personal Sore Spots #1

[laleia]

On Media, Society, and Rigorous Standards of Beauty

I have spent a great deal of my life, and much of it now, combatting media, and society, and rigorous standards of beauty. Not the way most people do. Not through campaigns, and pamphlets, and efforts, and funds, and non-profit organizations, and societies, etc. I don't try to combat the influence of media, society, and rigorous standards of beauty (hereafter MSB, for Media, Society, & Beauty) in others -- I combat it in myself. I thought I was winning for a long time, but now I grow older. And now, what was considered eccentric, and cute in a young child, or a teen, is rapidly becoming socially unacceptable. Now, I am losing.

First, there is the matter of of weight. I am not fat. I know this. I am, in fact, very far from fat, and I know there are zillion trillion people out there who kill to look like I do. In fact, if I were born in ancient Greece, I would probably be considered ideal, I think -- I reckon I'm about as fat as those naked ancient Greek statues are. But of course, according to MSB, those statues are fat.

Because, I am not skinny either, a fact many people take care to remind me, consciously or subconsciously. So many people in my family commented on how much more fat I was, when I went home over Thanksgiving Break. They are always asking how much I weigh. I swear to god, I've reached the point now where even if someone comments that I've gotten skinnier, or that I look like I lost weight, I take it as a personal affront. I take it to the sarcastic extreme and inform everyone, when they ask (because it's never an "if") that I have gained weight.

Maybe I am deluding myself, and I am fat. I'm not rail-thin, true. And my weight is certainly far, far from the ideal and from the norm (but then, I am also tall), but weight is just a number, and usually a deceptive number at that.

Most of the time, it's easy to ignore MSB when it comes to my weight, because I don't look at magazines, and don't care about movie stars, and when I do see what seems to be a normal person on television being painted as fat (re: Bridget Jones' Diary, Kim Sam Soon), I just laugh. It's actually friends that hurt the most here. Because I swear to god, there's nothing more annoying than when a friend who weighs over 20 pounds less than you complains about being too fat, and needing to lose weight. Especially if that friend is a guy, by the way.

It's annoying when friends who are skinnier, and weigh less, complain about being fat, about their tummy, about needing to lose weight and diet and exercise. It's annoying when you're having lunch (a buffet) with 2 friends, both of who are skinnier and weigh less, who spend half of lunch complaining about their weight.

It's easy to resist the media, but so so much harder to resist society. Because when your friends betray you in this, it's just that much harder to fight it.

Now, when I tell my aunts and uncles and friends who ask that I've gotten "fat," it is perhaps my last resistance, my last attempt at sarcasm and irony. My last resistance to keep track of the numbers of pounds I weigh is simply never weighing myself at all.

(I'm losing the fight.)

Second, there is makeup. As a result of MSB, it is now literally impossible for a woman to considered beautiful if she is not wearing any makeup. Even if it's just light makeup, which probably consists of foundation, blush, eyeshadow, lipstick. Maybe eyeliner. To hide your imperfections and flaws, to paint on your face, because your lips are not red enough right now, your skin not smooth enough, your eyes not big enough.

I don't wear makeup, never wear makeup. I understand its uses -- for example, it is very important to be heavily made up if you are going on stage, or maybe on the camera, simply because otherwise you look much paler and listless than you actually are. (Perhaps because of the light involved, I don't know.)

Makeup is something I feel like everyone is wearing though, and maybe they do look less imperfect. Who knows? It's just that I've literally read dress codes that specify how much makeup you are supposed to wear.

When it becomes the norm for women to wear makeup, when they go to school or work, when they go out, when it becomes a staple of looking good, when it is impossible to look pretty without it? When something that is not natural is required for beauty, something is wrong.

Third, I am here to talk about shaving. Shaving is something that it is not only socially acceptable to do, it is very socially unacceptable not to do. You are shunned, thought strange, considered bizarre, if you don't. May I take this moment to point out that nobody has ever, EVER, explained to me the medical or hygienic necessity of shaving. People I asked have failed to come up with one. Perhaps there is one, and I do not know it.

So, now for the very socially unacceptable confession. I do not shave. I do not think it is a big deal. I'm not particularly hairy. I look down at my legs, and even though I have hairs, they are small (but not short) and thin, and I do not actually see them. (It should also be noted that I have bad eyesight.)

Shaving is something that society thinks women have to do. If you think I am wrong on this, you have not had to sit there while the person you are with, generally a very nice girl who is your friend, tears apart the idea of not shaving. You have not heard a feminist joke, "We're not like they say -- we promise we've shaved." Because, of course, the women who don't are really disgusting, and "we're" not. You have not seen people shudder as they describe someone they saw in a movie who had not shaved her armpits. (I mean seriously -- do guys shave their armpits? If the answer to this rhetorical question is yes, then you should immediately let me know because once again, I have missed out on some sort of societal norm thing.)

And no, I don't shave my armpits either, for the most part. I say for the most part, because this is changing. When I know I will be going out in something sleeveless, or a tanktop) which is more and more often, I do tend to shave. I have a razor in case I ever feel the need to shave. I don't do this because I think I should -- I do this because it is so socially unacceptable not to that I cannot bear it. I cannot go out without thinking about MSB, about how people are probably pointing and laughing and making nasty comments. I say this because I have heard people pointing and laughing and making nasty comments about others.

And today, I felt my legs, and thought to myself, "Wow, they are hairy." Not because they actually were, (and again, this could be the delusion thing as opposed to the defying beauty norms thing), but because MSB had gotten to me, and I wonder how long it will be before I give in all the way.

--

I've finished my three main points, about the issues in which I have always defied MSB, and which I am slowly giving in on. I am losing the fight. I could talk about how ridiculous it is that people go through pain for beauty, how I went through the pain of getting my ears pierced, for the beauty of wearing earrings. Or how others get plastic surgery. I could talk about how ridiculous it is that people get up an hour early to do their hair just so. How you walk painfully around all day in high heels, and how disgustingly important outward appearances are. Instead, I shall leave you with this.

I feel that one day in the future, perhaps the not-so-distant future, I will wake up early in the morning. An hour before I have to leave. I will straighten my hair, and then curl my bangs. I will put on foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, then curl my eyelashes and apply mascara. Oh, and lip gloss. I will shave, then put on lotion, apply cleanser, use all kinds of creams and gels. I will choose an outfit that is chic and cute and makes me look especially busty.

And then I will walk out, in my good looks and high heels, having skipped breakfast because I am on a diet.

And on that inevitable day, I will have lost the battle to MSB.

Comments

[scifichick774.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I can say nothing about the weight thing, other than if you're comfortable, just trust that people will eventually stop bothering you about it. A calmly spoken mini-rant might be necessary the next time your family brings it up, though. Tell them that you're happy with how you look and if they're not, that's their problem - you don't want to hear any more about it from them, and for them to continue speaking about it when it's a non-issue puts them in a far more negative light than it does you. I know it might be difficult to say (since being around family has a tendency to button some people's mouths) but if you can muster the courage, I really believe it will help.

Regarding the make-up thing: I'm right there with you. Not only do cosmetics actually make your looks age faster, some of the chemicals they use in them are literally toxic. Yes, even in some of the hypo-allergenic products. Steer clear and you'll be better off in the long run. If anyone gives you a hard time about it, refer them to the ingredients list on what they're mindlessly slabbing on their faces, and smile knowingly. You'll have the last laugh.

Shaving is a tough one. You're right in that it has become socially unacceptable for women not to shave (and yet men don't have to - how is that fair?), but not shaving is more acceptable in some circles more than others.

I had two friends in high school (which seems like a zillion years ago now, but that's not the point) who were bohemian-ish; they refused to shave or wear make-up, and since I never heard either of them so much as talk about their weight, I can only assume they were comfortable in their own skins. I don't know if there are any places where you live that are kind of hippy-like hang outs, but it might be worth a look, if only to get the support of some peers that are in your immediate area.

*hugs again*

[laleia.livejournal.com]

I do tell them (all the time) that I have better things to do than to weigh myself, and that as long as I'm smart that's all that matters, and they don't bring up me being fat (which by the way, they said in Chinese in possibly a more PC way), so much as weight in general, which I'm pretty sure is because at least some of them have self-image weight issues themselves.

The thing is, so many people consider makeup the norm that I think it's really weird. They just ... don't think about it.

And regarding the shaving thing, I just think it's really, really ridiculous when a lot of people I know criticize habits that other culture have, things they do to look pretty (anything for double-eyelid surgery, to the extra rings around their necks I know some people somewhere do, to practices from history), and I think to myself, well yes ... but there are beauty standards you adhere to think I think are ridiculous.

My friends are all great, though.

[yumemisama.livejournal.com]

I don't wear makeup day to day. I do wear makeup for special occasions -- I think of it less as a way to look better, and more as a gesture indicating that I recognize this event is something out of the ordinary, and I wish to show that I have made special effort to prepare for it. I shave my legs when I know I'll be wearing a skirt for one of the aforementioned special occasions. Mostly I wear jeans and so don't bother. I do typically shave my armpits, just because I feel uncomfortably hot if I don't. I don't usually do anything with my hair, other than pull it back if it'll be in the way, except for said special occasions, and I'm much too lazy to keep it dyed or bleached. It's all a sort of a costume, really; I put a lot of effort into Halloween, and I put a lot of effort into dressing up for formal events. Same general idea.

The only times I've ever said to myself, "Self, you should lose some weight," are when I get too pudgy to stretch. And even then I don't really do anything about it, since it all evens out in time. I have nothing pierced -- I tried a couple of times when I was younger, they never stayed pierced, I took this as a signal from the universe that I should buy clip-on earrings from here on out.

It is an unfortunate human trait to need to identify with some sort of smaller subculture. So while you don't shave because you thought it over and decided you didn't want to, I have seen quite a few of young women who don't shave because they want to fit into the hippie ideal. Some of them actually get ostracized for not being "natural" enough. And God forbid you actually want to change something about yourself, whether for the sake of looks or any other reason -- if you want your teeth straightened with braces, you have clearly been corrupted by the evil patriarchy.

My point here, I think, is that human beings are retarded, and I have no idea how we've survived this long.

On the whole, I consider knowing the art and science of making yourself "media-beautiful" to be a useful thing in very select circumstances, but not something that should be required to be a functional adult. Not everybody needs to know which one is the fish fork either, or what an absinthe spoon looks like. I'm probably biased by being in the social sciences, but I'd rather know and be able to fake it than not know, or know and be unable to pull it off.

As for your family -- well, my mother started behaving loads better when I began hanging up on her when she continued to criticize me even after I'd told her we were not going to talk about that. I don't know if this would work with your family; in my case I was perfectly willing to sit through a lot of not-talking-to-you sulking in preference to the haranguing, but if you have an otherwise civil relationship with your folks it may be more difficult. They still like to pick on me for being the only woman in the immediate family who has not bought herself a new set of spectacularly fake boobs.

I find that, generally speaking, if you carry yourself as if you weigh exactly what you want to weigh, other people tend to assume you weigh what they want to weigh. I have people routinely under-guess my weight by thirty pounds, even though I am decidedly not model-thin. They are also usually startled when I tell them I'm 5'2" in flats -- apparently I seem much bigger when I'm bossing them around. =)

[laleia.livejournal.com]

I agree ... human beings are not only stupid, one of my bigger fears is actually people in groups. Also, me being in a group, just because I know there are all these things that happen in groups where I lose my individuality, etc., and do the groupthink thing, and even if you know it's going to happen, you can't stop it (at least as far as I understand it), so one of my greater fears is ... uh, I guess, succumbing. Anyways.

See, I like my family a lot, and I think they're great, and one of the reasons I chose a college more than 1000 miles from home was so that I would deal with them long-distance 9 months out of 12. And while I do enjoy spending time with them, etc. ... everything really works better when I'm only home occasionally. [They appreciate me more, for one thing, and make all my favorite foods when I do come home.]

Also, I never weigh myself (this is actually mostly because I don't have a scale at college, but also because I have better things to do with my time), so don't care most of the time, it's just really annoying when people around me have serious body image issues, and I feel like it's becoming contagious.

P.S. I read an article where brides are expecting their bridesmaids to get plastic surgery, or even fake boobs, and footing part or all of the bill, and getting group discounts, and I think this is somewhat ridiculous.

[coconutmandarin.livejournal.com]

It is a personal affront to me when people comment on my weight. First of all, I don't think it's any of your business and therefore, you shouldn't tell me I've lost or gained weight; second, my mom tells me enough about my fluctuations in weight that I really don't need you telling me. I'm going back to China in a couple of days and because I've been struggling with an eating problem recently, I can just imagine what they're going to say to me about my thinness.

So I guess I understand your pain, even if you are healthy and I'm borderline unhealthy.

[laleia.livejournal.com]

I'm sure my family doesn't mean anything by it (I think a few of them have weight self-image issues themselves), and I always respond with things like "It doesn't matter what I look like as long as I'm smart" (which, by the way, went over a lot better when I was 10, and it was cute, and not actually so much no) or "I have better things to do than to weigh myself every day -- I don't know if I've gained or lost weight." But really. I think they can go 1 month without seeing me, without telling me I've lost weight.

You're going back to China? That's awesome! Are you going for the Olympics, or just to visit family, or to see places? I'm going to study abroad in Beijing in the Fall, and it'll be my first time going it in China alone. But with friends.

[coconutmandarin.livejournal.com]

Sorry I took so long to respond...apparently LJ is blocked in China.

I did end up going to the Olympics! And visited family of course but yeah it was awesome. That's so cool you're studying in Beijing--you're going to love it, especially since it has just finished hosting the Olympics. It's beautiful right now. My mom wants me to go back next summer to study.