laleia

So I probably offended my one Coworker, Coworker A today, which I feel kind of bad about because I like her, but I don't regret what I said.

See, half a month ago I asked if she was interested in trying to work out together a few times a week, under the theory that if I have to meet someone else there, I might actually get out of bed and do it. She wasn't interested, and I forgot about it.

Today, she brought it up again, I was in the middle of expressing interest, and she said something about being fat, and I said that I wasn't interested in working out with her if she was going to talk about being fat and losing weight.

I explained a little of the thought process behind that statement, but I'm guessing from her last sentence before the bell rang ("Well you can't just censor the world") that she really didn't understand. I'm not overly concerned that she'll take it to heart, but I'm laying out my logic here. (If I feel like she's dwelling on it tomorrow, I'll bring it up again and apologize.)

So, here's the thing. I am not fat. I am incredibly out of shape (if zombies attacked, I would be the first to get out of breath and die) and I am interested in exercising so I don't die in case of zombie apocalypse, but I am not actually concerned about losing weight. I've lived most of my life with a decent self-esteem level and body image.

Here's the other thing. You may not think that the things you say matter, but when someone I spend a lot of time with obsesses about their weight, about working out, and about losing weight and being fat, when they talk about how they are so fat, all this when they are skinnier than me, that's going to have an effect on my self-esteem and body image.

I don't intend to censor her. She can say whatever she wants about her weight. I am simply not going to go to the gym (a place I already despise, despite having never been to one) with someone who repeatedly talks about being fat and losing weight because I believe in that in that particular context, she will say those words infinitely more, and I will start looking in the mirror and seeing where I can lose weight, where I can slim up, where I am imperfect.

I understand that I can't censor the world. What I can do is choose how I interact with the parts of it that will negatively affect me.

Perhaps I wasn't as tactful as I could have been (she may have taken away "I don't want you to speak of these things in my presence" as opposed to "I am not interested in developing a neurosis so I will avoid attending this setting with you") but I honestly don't care that much. This may be terrible of me to say, but if my words put her off and she'll be uncomfortable/nervous saying "I think I'm fat" in front of me in the future, I'm not concerned. (I have employed similar tactics in the past more purposefully to discourage people from saying racist/sexist things in front of me.)

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The other conversation I had coworkers that went far better was when I had dinner with Coworkers B and C. Not only did we have Korean BBQ (Mmm, delicious!), our conversation was satisfying. First, there was the quote that Coworker B began but was not shameless enough to finish so I did so. When discussing Coworker C meeting guys, Coworker B began, "Well, you know what they say. When in Rome..."

When Coworker C looked blank, I finished it for her. "When in Rome, do who the Romans do."

:P

Also, we had a conversation about Coworker D's racism, which probably bordered on gossiping but which I appreciated because it's nice to know that other people were equally offended, and that it wasn't just me.

See, Coworker D is not a racist bigot, i.e. personally racist, he's just one of those people who grew up in a racist society and has been affected by that.

In other words, he has significant amounts of white male privilege, and it is very evident.

I'm just glad I'm not the only one it irks. I'm not even Korean, so of course when the things that he says sometimes (always, "Korean is so ____"; "I find that Koreans are very ____"; he enjoys finding generalization to make, I think) rub me the wrong way, I don't challenge him as much as I could because it's not my culture I'm defending so I don't know as much.

The other day on his birthday, for example, we lit the candles on his cake and turned off the lights, and he asked if it was a Korean thing to turn off the lights.

Apparently, I sarcastically retorted, "It's a candle thing."

(I don't remember this response; I usually do not have witty comebacks when people say stupid shit, but Coworker C recalled this line and says she relished it a great deal. She was the one who brought the whole racism issue up, because of course being Korean American, she gets especially irritated that ALL these English teachers in Seoul say things like, "That's so Korean! Koreans are so THIS!" and this was Coworker D's latest in a long line of conversations about Koreans being so: cute, alcoholic, image-obsessed, awkward, etc.)

Anyway, this conversation was both fun and tasty.

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And also Coworker E helped me register for coupang.com today, which is like a Korean version of Groupon, so I'm super stoked!