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[laleia]

Untitled
Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Rating: G
Summary/Notes: Hikaru/Akari, Hikaru/Go, slightly angsty Akari introspective ... note, I might have gotten some names/modes of address wrong. Please point them out to me if I did.



We never play go.

Perhaps that isn’t the best way to put it. Obviously, he plays go. It’s his job. He plays all the time, whether they’re professional games to defend his title or games with his friends, his comrades, his colleagues, for fun. With Isumi-san, and Waya-san, and Akira-san. And sometimes Ochi-san, I suppose, but not too often with him.

And I play go, too. For fun, on the weekends maybe, when Mitani-san and Kaneko-san come over for dinner. Or sometimes, even when Tsutsui-san can make it.

We never play go with each other. We used to. Our courtship ran the gamut of go played to calm his nerves, between the big tournaments and the important games with the higher-dan players. But somehow, between his becoming a higher-dan player and our courtship ending with the eventual marriage, we never play go anymore. I suppose he doesn’t need me to calm his nerves anymore.

It makes me sad, of course, when I stop to give too much thought to it. Go is obviously a large portion of his life, and I miss out. I can support him, and cheer for him, but I’m not part of that very important part of his life. The most important part of his life, one could say. I’m not stupid – I know very well how high I rank in terms of priorities in his life. High on the list, but still (always) second to go.

You could even say that Akira-san was more important to him than I am, because Akira-san represents the world of go, for him. They are Rivals, Eternal Rivals, and will always have a special bond because of that. I am not jealous, of course. Don’t be silly. Their relationship is strictly platonic, and strictly centered around go. They are friends, but Rivals before friends, and without go, their relationship would have no frame, no structure, no substance. But the thought of even contemplating an Akira-san or a Hikaru-san without go is … is unthinkable.

Maybe I am a little jealous, but it is just a little. And I know it is silly. Hikaru loves me, and wants to start a family with me, and I am his wife, and I am important to him.

But. Not as important as go. I knew that when I married him. But when I married him, we had the go in common and other things in common, and I was such a large part of his life precisely because I could understand the go and everything else. But as he became more and more skilled, my part of his go world became less and less.

And now, there is so much of his life that I am … not exactly not a part of, but not as much of a part of. He has a secret centered around someone called Sai that seems to sometimes be an in-joke and sometimes a source of contention. He has friends from the strangest walks of life, from other countries and from seemingly-random go salons. And they have all shared a part of him that I have not. I can listen to the stories, but I still haven’t taken part in them.

But I am not jealous of the go that consumes his life. That would be silly of me. And irrational. I love go, too, you know. It reminds me of high school and all the fun I had then. And it reminds me of Hikaru. And it reminds me of happier times, back before I had to worry about nine-to-five jobs and taxes and whether or not we can afford children.

So no. I am not jealous. But …

We never play go anymore.



P.S. If her name's not actually Akari, I'm going to feel really stupid ...